Outside Pitch

AITOOW would like to see soccer adopt basketball rules? No off sides. Once the ball is over the center line, no kicking it back over it. A second (or at least minute) clock. Announcers who tell you who is handling the ball instead off yammering away like the game isn't happening. Then again maybe it would be best to outlaw its tedium.

Here's To You Mrs. Ryan

AITOOW doesn't understand foot fetishes? Were your first girlfriends unwilling to get their hands dirty? To me, a foot looks like five little penises.

10 Is The New 69

AITOOW whose girlfriend weighs less than him?

Zuck On This

AITOOW finds it appropriate that the Time Person of the Year is a guy who plagarized a concept from two guys who plagarized it from Myspace who plagarized it from Friendster? It's appropriate that this was done by a college student(s) (what's wrong with cut and pasting material from the Internet) and by a Harvard student (where all our politicians gestate). I guess I win it next year for my auction website Face-bay. And finally, what is up with these kids and their autistic 30 yard stares. He reminds me of that kid on Poker After Dark. Is it the Adderal or some birth defect that gives them those creepy eyes? The funny thing is that the runner up for this award was a guy who is also a thief.

Ten Is The Lowliest Number

AITOOW doesn't understand why politicians have resorted to a callow rhetorical trick of calculating the cost of something over ten years when they want to prove a point? Why is ten the new magic number? Why not 100 or 5 or 20? It totally distorts the true cost and reasoned discourse. Either inflating the cost for something they don't want (tax cuts) or reducing it to something they do (health insurance). All based on questionable premises. It's totally irresponsible and obfuscating.

Whoreton Shares A Boob

AITOOW thinks the Christina Aguilera nude photo release may just be a publicity stunt? And why is it even a story? Aren't there nude photos of this skank already out there? It's not like we are even looking at a real body. The tits are implanted basket balls. I've got one in my closet. It doesn't engorge my member. It's so odd that they would come out right as she's debuting a shitty movie with Marilyn Manson (I mean Cher). BTW has Cher always been a "cool" way to spell "share". If so, I never knew.

Donkeys

AITOOW knew that all that talk about "compromise" was just code for "it's our way or the highway"? It is funny that the only ones that made out in this deal are the ones who don't work and the ones who don't have to.

Hot For Speecher

AITOOW wonders why they had to have the Climate Convention in Cancun (record cold btw) when the planet is a fire ball? Why not in Oslo?

30 Seconds Of Hell

AITOOW is sickened by almost every commercial on TV? These spots are supposed to be entertaining. They are created by people who supposedly have a talent for such things. They get paid huge sums of money for their creations. Yet, almost every one I watch only makes me desperate to avoid them. And that's on the initial airing. I can't tell you what it does to me upon repeated exposure. Is there anything more annoying than that little piggy Geico ad after the initial viewing? The same is true for almost all their other ads. How about all those foreign auto ads that have Juno-esque Emo Beatniks caterwauling holiday jingles. How many Americans relate to that demo? Car dealer ads where two oily con artists parade down a row of cars, drug company geezer montages, ads given to minority production teams that evince a quality most 7th Graders could achieve... It's unbelievable that people pay people to do this. Thank God for the Remote.

You Can't Deal With This. You Can't Deal With That

AITOOW has to break it to the public that that cute little KIA ad with the hamsters is slam on black people? Hamsters was a secret, pejorative nick name that was popular in the late 90's. So when you see those cute little rodents acting a fool, know that you have been made a fool of by their ad agency.

That's Rich

AITOOW is sick of the rich saying "tax me"? People like Warren Buffett and Jay Leno are always carrying on that they wouldn't mind their taxes going up. You know what? No one would stop you if you VOLUNTARILY gave away your money. But you know nobody will proffer that rebuttal so you you can LOOK like a hero without actually having to ACT like one. But you kinda knew that already. And no, pledges don't count. I'll wait until the check has cleared before I kick you off the list.

Scared Stupid

AITOOW wonders why blacks are seemingly frightened by everything (dogs, ghosts, work, etc) except what may be the most murderous creature that good lord has ever created - the white man?

For Christ Sake

AITOOW wonders why Christmas must be called "Holidays" while other holidays don't? I think it's still possible to refer to Easter as Easter even though it falls near Passover. Why are other religions' holidays never restrained by the same PC restrictions?

Something We Can Agree On

AITOOW is shocked that the Deficit Reduction Commission couldn't agree on a solution? We should really get a committee together to study why it could not. I guess this is what you can expect when you trade an organizer for a decider. One gives you committees. One gives you action. How can a person with one and a half terms of legislative experience not be seasoned enough to deal with these issues effectively? It's a mystery. I guess "hope" meant - hope that someone else can provide the answers.

Gracism

AITOOW thinks it's just typical that both of the turkeys that received a pardon at this year's Thanksgiving happened to be white?