And You Should See Them Play the Horn

AITOOW thinks that the women's swim team looks like chubby little seals in those black scuba suits? It's amazing that they spend enough time in the water that they get blubber for buoyancy and insallation. Yould would think they would burn off calories in the cold water.

When You Care Enough To Give The Very Least

AITOOW hates anyone who wears turquoise? The rock not the color. It's almost as ugly and drab as the people who wear it.

White Lies

AITOOW sees that it is open season on white men on Madison Avenue and Hollywood Blvd? If you are white and male and on TV, you are a bumbling moron. You are not hip. You are not competent. You are the bottom rung of evolution. You are so dumb that you won't even mind being made fun of. While the lack of uproar may add validity to that sentiment, it may also be that they're too busy running the world to notice. Lucky for them that I'm tireless. Oops I just put flour in the washing machine no wait I just cured polio.

Jack Has Two Dates. Oh no...

AITOOW is driven to anxiety and rage over sitcom foibles? All that unnecessary confusion and mis-interpretation and communication just riles me up. I can't watch it. Can't things just unfold predictably and without incident? The chaos isn't even funny? When did society decide this sort of material was funny? Because it's not anymore. Don't we have enough stress in our lives without inventing it?

Wood-stuck

AITOOW wants to slap every baby boomer whenever I see one of the million hippie-centric ads hawking Levitra, mutual funds, or Cadillacs. Just wander off and die already before you cause our society to implode. You were always self-serving and annoying. You gave us AIDS, the broken home and self-pitying ego-centricity. Now you are venerally infested, drug adled, botox injected Parkinson's indoctrinies who don't know when to shut it down. Nobody wants you. Nobody thinks you are cool. Nobody thinks you look great. 60 is not the new 40 (which is past female expiration anyway). Man, I wish this was ancient Sparta. Take your acid rock songs and "fade away" with Jerry and the rest of you dirty losers.

Momma Mia

AITOOW doesn't understand if "stay at home mother" is a term of embarrassment or honor. Are these bitches saying " I'm so ashamed I don't have a job" or "I care enough about my children to sacrifice my career goals"? You hear it all the time. I just wonder why they add the stay at home part. It's not really pertinent to the rest of us so why don't you drop it?

No Free Lunch

AITOOW thinks it's ridiculous that networks pixelate or place black tape over logos when those logos aren't sponsors? Do you not think we recognize the product anyway? Do you not realize that it lowers the production quality of YOUR show? Ever hear the phrase "penny wise and pound foolish"? Could you be cheaper? Just let it slide. Why is it that corporate penny pinchers can only deal in inconsequential solutions. And here's a tip - when your sales team complains that things like that make their job harder, don't buy it. It's a diversionary tactic. If a company is relying on free pub from on camera placement, they don't have enough marketing dollars to buy your old media spots anyway. And if you customer complains about it, tell them to get a life. If they are buying space from you they are obviously too lazy to advertise cost effectively anyway. The just want to blow their ad budgets as quickly and effortlessly as possible. Let's clean up the airwaves.

Small Minded

AITOOW heard that sniveling wimp on NPR deriding Mike Myers because he supposedly demeans "little people" in his new movie. Not because he has always felt empathy for them, but, because he sired one. Where was your outrage before? Maybe you should deride yourself for having defective DNA or choosing a mate with defective DNA. If you had just aborted this abomination of nature you could have: spared us the mislaid guilt, spared your child a lifetime of ridicule and enjoyed the movie. The worst part is that you feel entitled to some kind of moral superiority because of your incompetence. You should feel guilty. You should be the one apologizing. In addition, you were just as "insensitive" as Myers before this tragedy effected you. Talk about self-involved. Do you only feel empathy when circumstances directly effect you? Do you understand cause and effect? If you had not sired this mutant (cause). You would not have experienced its effect (jokes). Point the finger at the real source of your pain - yourself.

Hello!

AITOOW could do without those forced greetings at every fast food franchise? I'm not Norm. I don't need you to shout a greeting at me to make me feel like one of the gang. Just make the sandwich. I want to know who the sociologist who suggested this practice to the fast food industry is and how he sold everyone on the conclusion that this helps sales. Oh wait it's free. Much more palatable than cutting prices or improving product quality. Goodbye!

Shil-lying

AITOOW saw this coming? Stubborn, self possessed, greedy butterball versus stubborn, self possessed, greedy 8th grader. While I hate the Red Sox (and any team that thinks it is a nation), I can feel for their owners. Their 12 year old GM (who traded away Hanley Ramirez) gave an injured 41 year old pitcher 8-9 million dallahs. The pitcher then tells him that he needs surgery. The surgery will make it so he can't pitch for the season he just signed for (side note - I wonder who pays for the surgery). The GM tries to save face by forcing him to rehab. Now here's the part we all saw coming. The pitcher gives it a "try" and after what is probably a legally sufficient period of time says the boo boo gives him an owwie and schedules the surgery any way. Take that poindexter. It's unbelievable what these players can get away with. The rehab was demonstrably strengthening the shoulder. Yet, a fat douche bag can mail it in and still collect his salary. You know he thinks he's entitled even though his ERA has been north of 4 for the last couple of half seasons he has made onto the field for. You defrauded your team. Please let karma swarm all over this prick.

The Fatter Half

AITOOW is tired of women saying pregnancy ruined their bodies. Most of you were fat pigs before you got pregnant. And Father Time isn't kind to the weaker sex, so you would be terrible after your child bearing years anyway (see Old Maids). You really should be put down at menopause. Pregnacy doesn't ruin your bodies, your lack of discipline does. You can't control anything (your emotions, your finances, etc). You have no will power. You live in this world of your own creation, where the lies you tell yourself are law. I guess Erasmus was right. Folly is the most important God.

And They Are Terrible Actors Too

AITOOW can't decide if Marky Mark or Ed Burns has the more annoying high pitched, strained, nasally, whiney, effeminate voice. With one you get a bit of that annoying Boston lobster fucker undertone and with the other you get an annoying Queens firefighter. Is that their normal voice or is it just the result of their throat tightening up on them when they get nervous? Marky Mark also takes that big gulp of air that a nervous person does before they start to talk. Now that I think about it, they're both Irish Catholics and Conan O'Brien also has a high pitched delivery. Does the Irish curse also give them a small set of balls? Are Justin Timberlake and Tom Cruise Irish? They have also been singled out as having girly voices.

Worst Catch Phrase

AITOOW thinks that Mark Jackson has the lamest catch phrase in the biz? "Momma there goes that man" was bad enough once, but, he interjects it whenever possible. He forces it in there like he used to force his fat ass into the stomachs of opposing defenders. Also like him, this catch phrase is slow (minded), old and unoriginal. I think it's listed in the poseurs guide to Barber Shop talk. Is there no end to the clueless ex-athlete buffet of sports announcers? Don't they get that players are too stupid to analyze their sport? The just play pick up. They don't understand the how and why. And they definetly can't see past "the formula for success" (like they could pathom more than one method). They only parrot tired cliches and mis-perceptions. A guy like Van Hair Plug runs intellectual circles around this guy and he is often ridiculed by this field mouse looking moron. You're too stupid to know how stupid you are. Thank God no one gave you a coaching gig. You're no Doc Rivers (Magic Johnson maybe).

Menage A Trois

AITOOW gets that we don't need a third political party? When you have two parties you automaticaly have three. The third is called the "compromise" party and it aways gets its way. To get the votes for passage, every bill is watered down until it appeals to enough legislators to get it passed. This is not the bill that either party would have supported initially. Therefore, a new ideology emerges and a de facto political party is assembled. And we didn't even have to arrange a convention.

You Are Not The Father

AITOOW was laughing when Robot dressed down the absentee black baby daddy this Father's Day. You know how the congregation (usually loud black women) can't wait to insert themselves into the sermon (to compensate for the lack of attention they got as children)? Well what happens when the sermon doesn't scapegoat an outside group? I'll tell you what. They don't like it. We got a few "amens" and "uh huhs" after the first criticism. Nothing like the spasms of grunting you get when whitey's involved. Less after the second. And so on. Who knew it was possible to shut these people up. Their brains must have been swirling. Boo the Black Jesus or hang your "brothers" out to dry. I'm surprised they didn't boo the Robot (if only to chastize him for making church a solemn occassion. What do they care about no Father's Day. Them boos is only had by fat white women anyway.

A B Si

AITOOW finds the following results from the Pew Hispanic Center (which means the numbers are doctored to present the best picture) infuriating. Only 4% of first generation beaners primarily speak English. But wait... it "skyrockets" to 78% by the THIRD generation. That's over 3/4 in merely 3 generations. Maybe in 5 they will learn how to multiply. That stereotype of the slow beaner is way off base. Spanish is even a romance language. A language founded on Latin roots that form half of our language. It has the same alphabet. It's not like it's a character based starting point. Every song and movie is in English. How can you you not pick it up by osmosis?

P. BS.

AITOOW wonders if it is ever not "the time of year we ask for your support"? It's pathetic that a publically funded station even has to ask for it. Another government sponsored program that won't balance its books. I can't figure out what their costs would even be since it's perpetually in telethon mode. Why don't they go to a pay (commercials) model? The're interrupting programming ten fold by begging. Oh that's right they produce what they want see and the rest of the world does not (except me I'm an actual dweeb who watches this crap). They already do it on shows like Market Report and they do take "sponsorships" aka commercial plugs. OMG could it be that these pledge drives are filler? They don't need the money just the material?

1-800-FUH-QQQQ

AITOOW wishes the contestants on reality audition shows would stop mugging it up for the cameras when they list the 800 numbers. I can't believe it works and it is embarrassing for them. Just chill out and give the number. And while we on the topic - why can't that midget judge on So You Think You Can Dance find a jacket that fits him. The sleeves were to his fingernails. Was it his daddy's jacket? I mean his father.

What Makes Sternsy Run?

AITOOW thinks he is more or less a corporate gangster. You can see it in his eyes when he has to defend his corrupt sport. He tries to personify the easy going, amiable business leader. But, you can tell it's all an act. I'm around enough ambitious Jewish men to know the type. Arrogant as a rabbi and ravenous for success and power. They try and mask it with this nebbishy, academician exterior but a seething beast is inside. Just try and cross them. There's not a more petty and vindictive man than the quiet one. "The Jew" (like the Zohan) always lets on when the league is criticized. You see he is "the league". This type of man is his work. It's his identity. It's his raison d'etre. He could never play so he must coordinate. So when referees with nothing to lose expose game fixing, the Hulk gets angry. But, this Hulk (being a Jew and an upstanding member of society) must not show anger. So he passive aggressively tries to destroy the critics credibility be refering to him as a felon. He also begins the march of obfuscation by claiming things that aren't true but sound good (like we investigated it thoroughly). Well if it's ; MJ's gambling, calling no fouls on stars, calling the game differently at home, calling the game differently at the end, making sure television gets the right match ups, Ewing's whores, Barkley's gambling, everyone's pot smoking, rigging the lottery, et al, anything that stains the league can not be acknowledged. Because Lucky Stern has a business to run and it since he doesn't run it properly it must make you believe it is being run properly. And if you don't respect that he'll have your knees broken (or get someone else to do it because Jews don't sweat and you could probably beat his Svengali ass up anyway).

A.P.P.L.A.U.S.E.

AITOOW heard patronizing applause and groans for the female contestants (and only female) at the Spelling Bee after they failed? Don't you get it that even if you are biased towards them in your heart, you demean them by your one sided support. It becomes obvious that you are applauding their gender and not their competence. In addition, it indicates that you think that they are less capable and therefore their "placing" in the top ten is a huge achievement for a girl. If you really think girls are smarter you should have booed.

Whopper Junior

AITOOW doesn't feel sorry that no one noticed Junior hitting his 600th home run? It's said that he deserves more credit because he did it au natural? Did he? Seems like he would have been motivated to use (roids) in recovering from his many injuries. They also say that he was tainted by the painted brush of the steriod era and that's why no fanfare. Let's see. He did seem to be compensated financially as a byproduct of the surge in popularity that the steriod era ushered in. That's a benefit. Maybe he was goaded into applying himself more by what his contemporaries were doing. That's a benefit. He hit in front of guys that were juiced - so he got better pitches to hammer. That's a benefit. And let's not forget that he traded in the Kingdome and Safeco for that little band box in Cincy. And the fact that he has limped to 600 while his contemporaries rocketed to 600. Those injuries and his lengthy pursuit of the mark destroyed any narrative. Here's an example of how mediocre he is perceived to be. I don't think he has been listed as a starting OF in a fantasy mag since 2002. In addition, 600 has also become common place. He's the 4th this decade. And finally let's not forget the ennui he engenders. We don't know this man. He is not intruiging. Therefore, we ignore him as he has ignored us. So let's not pity Junior on the eve of his accomplishment. He is receiving the treatment he has earned.

Queen of the Pumpkin Festival

AITOOW forsees that now that The Cackler has accepted the fact that we hate her that she will fill the pumpkinheaded sized vacuum that will be left when Ted Kennedy's pumpkin seeds rot from cancer? She holds a Senate seat in a cancre of liberalism. She needs to be highly visible. She suffers from an inferiority complex under the shadow of a more popular family member. She can't be president. She has a giant melon. She just needs to take her pants off under a table and drive a car off a bridge to complete the symmetry. I swear life is just the same script with different actors.

Home Mortgage Derivatives

AITOOW finds it ironic that home mortgage derivatives were touted as a way to spread risk (and thus a good thing). And all it did was pass the risk from those who could mostly originate loans in risky areas to those who could only hold loans from risky areas (entities that needed the risk premium to attract money). Are there ever solutions or only passing of problems?

Second (Must Be) Bananas

AITOOW thinks that the only reason W didn't get iced is that no one wanted Dick Cheney behind the wheel? Therein lies an important lesson for Juan McCain and especially Robot Obama - make sure your co-pilot is more odious than yourself. A special note for Robot - as mentioned previously, do not assume Shillary is that pick. While certainly odious, she will have you taken out personally (ala LBJ).

The New Hanoi Hiltons

AITOOW has the following reaction to this statement - "hotel fees for incidental services represent a miniscule amount of total revenue"? Well then prevaricating mouthpiece Joe McInerney, president (1 employee strong) of the American Hotel & Lodging Association (who probably worked in the field but was so bad at it that they placed him in this trade association to keep him from harming himself and others) - if it is so "miniscule" (like your wiener) why don't you just do away with them?

MMA CBA BS

AITOOW thought that someone got in the referee's ear and told him to call the match as soon as Kimboo Slice (the athlete they are depending on being the face of MMA) did anything right. The suits at the Andy Griffith network must have been sucking at their dentures when Kimbo was a minute into round three and was nearly choked out twice. This is my first time seeing this Mr T retread and I can say that the guy has no MM skills. He can just box. And he's got that crazy hanging moss/black moslem chin sweater...which is nice.

Casting Ouch

AITOOW is perplexed at exactly what Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl is? He's obviously part white but what else gives him the simian/cro-magnum look? Is he part black? Part Korean? And why would a billionaires son have a gap tooth? I think they could afford an orthodontist.